Karmic manuevers

the last two years have been some of the darkest times i have lived through. without knowing or understanding what was actually happening, there were moments when days, weeks, and months when i felt and thought i was taking crazy pills.

my healing journey was wicked and at times i would stop to ask the gods why this was happening until recently when i was guided and directed into ceremony. i was reminded of who i am and where i come from and everything i have been working towards and living my life according to the Holy People has meant something.

no matter how wack and disrespectful things got, i stayed close to my teachings. although the non-Native white systems would say not, culturally speaking i managed to pass some of the hardest tests in life regarding my healing journey.

there were many times when i felt like saying and doing some of the rudest things and other times when i spoke right back in silence. i learned firsthand what toxic behaviors can do and create. i don’t need that in my life. i learned most recently is it is better to walk away, leave toxic people where they be, and to not engage.

i don’t ever want to go back to where i been. i revisited and circled back only to learn toxic behaviors and mentalities are not my cup of tea or coffee. i actually like and love peace.

the truth? i don’t want to be around anyone that disturbs my peace.

periodt.

if any person i encounter has any unhealed pain they are working through that results in toxic behaviors, i don’t want to be around them. simply put, i will walk away and not tolerate any of it.

it’s sickening what i witnessed and lived through, but also how toxic people with unhealed pain behave. not only how they talk to people, but also what they do. here lies the place and point where i learned karma steps in and says, i got it from here, step aside.

the truth is sometimes karma doesn’t happen immediately. it can and does happen, just not when we think it will. don’t get me wrong though. i learned there is immediate karmic effects and consequences on one hand, and on the other, there is time.

the immediate karmic results from behaviors such as words and actions can bring upon a person inevitable results. whether they are good or bad, in this life or in reincarnation, karma aint nothing to play with.

i have lived long enough to learn firsthand what #FAFO means.

i have also learned life lessons are some of my biggest teachers. i learn the hard way and won’t ever doubt my mom or any of my clan mothers when it comes to what is needed when learning a lesson.

as i work through a big life lesson right now i can tell you i won’t ever let anyone f*^% w my peace again.

toxic behaviors knows no gender. however, the way men and women display toxicities can vary and differ. emotions can run high and any logic or sense and reasoning go out the door. ultimately manipulation is occurring and the toxic behavior or person victimizes themself.

as an educator, i have been trained as a mandatory reporter when and if a person might be a victim of any kind of abuse. what i was not trained in is how to identify when i became a victim of my own circumstances.

like i said, i learned first hand about the unhealed, unchecked, misguided, and dysfunctional behaviors on (and from) the Rez. in my opinion, it has existed since the arrival of the settler colonialists. *thats next post*

toxicity.

in its raw form toxicity is a wicked thing. the reality is it has its beginnings in abuse. regardless of the kind of abuse, when it is unhealed, it leads to the creation of and continued cycles of intergenerational trauma. its unfortunate because for that very reason, some of the worst forms of trauma stem from the unhealed pain.

the cycles of unhealed pain, hardships, abuse, or distress results in the perpetuation of said trauma onto children who grow up with some form of arrested development. in a toxic environment, the inability to regulate emotions and behavior is stressful and can create a continued cycle of abuse, that is passed down to the next generation when it is unhealed.

if moving back to the Rez is any indicator of how toxic sh*^ can get, believe me when i say i survived and lived through some of the worst experiences. there ain’t no love in a toxic environment, just alot of dysfunction.

i had to stop myself from thinking any part of it was ok. after moving back, it only took two years before i started counseling. the experiences of life, death, grief, loss, heartbreak, and depression triggered some deep emotional trauma and i needed help.

as i write through this time, i am well aware of #MentalHealth. i don’t believe i would be able to process or grow through this time without my mental health in tact. if it wasn’t for my counselors and therapy, i don’t think i would be here.

as i continue to grow through this, i am thankful i have help and know that i am not alone. people within my home community have been coming forth one by one telling me i am not the only one and that has been life altering. meaning i had no idea how this was a preexisting dysfunction no one was talking about until i made it known and named it.

as i navigate this part of my healing journey, i recognize how the normalization of substance abuse and violence is affecting generations of children, including my own! and for the record, i don’t think i’m immune to this toxic sh*^ either. i just learned and knew about the resources available, and if it weren’t for my children and the education training, i don’t believe i would be as conscious.

i understand more than i did last month and today know firsthand how to walk away from these dark souls living in unhealed pain. the people who choose this route and path will be stopped, just not now or how and when i believe they will.

i had to be reminded, karma is at work. the karmic ties and relationships i was in are broken and any lingering will continue to be broken. hence the title of this post.

i literally lived through and survived some serious dark nights of the soul. the karmic maneuvers necessitated going back down south to regain my self worth, self respect, identity, teachings, power, and dignity.

today i understand more than ever how deep familial love really goes and family teachings saved my soul. as a child of the holy people, i know now i am a mirror of the gods’ love and they awakened me to my life reminding me i have work to finish and toxic behaviors are not helpful.

i am healing and will continue to heal.

as my day begins, i remain respectful on the healing journey and working on forgiveness. forgiving myself and others for not knowing better, and being a non believer.

i am healed from some things, and healing from others.

i am starting my day with the blue and white light of the early mornings called hayołkahł and welcoming the beauty and goodness once again.

i pray hozho nahasglii four times into my life and welcome this beautiful new day.

as a warrior, today i choose peace, love, and above all inner peace and happiness.