The journey to healing begins with the first step


Not everyone will leave the Rez.

Those who can, will.
Those who can’t, won’t.

What I’m about to share is not anything a child should ever have to endure. Unfortunately it is a reality for people. This is not some isolated incident that does not know race, creed, socio economics, age, or gender, childhood sexual abuse is a reality that no child or adult recovering should ever endure.

As I have become a mother I have done my best to be the best mom I can be. As a single mom I can honestly say this is not what I had envisioned. I wanted a lot of “things”. Today, if there is anything that I “want”, I want healthy children. Looking back, I was fortunate to have role models. Without realizing that’s what they were, I recall times when I’d wonder why my mom was so angry and hateful, then wonder where my dad was, as I looked up to the women I admired and the men who took care of the family circle I knew as home. Hindsight looking back, the creator sure knew what she was doing.

As a young woman, before motherhood, I learned there were “things” I didn’t understand and that were beyond my control. It took some time and today I have found an understanding about both my biological parents and I am thankful I have a relationship with my parents. It took years for me to understand my resentments and frustrations with them and today, they amaze me.

At times I think about their resilience and other times I see the child within. Whenever my mom tells me stories about her childhood, I know its become easier, and it’s not as hard as it used to be for her to find the good memories. For years my mom kept that part of her life blocked, today, she is opening her heart. On the other hand, my dad, has this childlike spark in his eyes and the love he remembers, is quite endearing.

On my journey, I have found that talking with my parents, despite my angst at times, has actually been a process for me as well. At different times, I recall not talking to one or the other intentionally. Frustrated and mad for whatever reason I found, I realize today, they too were in a struggle. As it turns out, both my parents have worked on things they had blocked out and so much understanding has come over our family. Now don’t get it twisted, because it’s not all shits and giggles, if anything, it has been a painful process. At certain times, there are funny, laughable moments, yet most of the time, it’s been a daily process.

I’ve had to remind myself at times that my parents were children at one time in their life and I am thankful fate made them my parents. It’s helped me to open up my life as well in other areas and free my own demons for my personal relationships. Healing hearts, minds, and spirits has been a process for each of us, including my siblings, some who are still in a struggle and yet one thing remains, we love.

I chose to blog thoughts out loud on this subject because I recently tweeted about leaving the Rez and without fully understanding the context of my tweets, I believe it’s something worth sharing. Both my parents left their home rezzes at young ages. My dad was 17. As my gram recalled, “your dad had a car and someone poured sugar into his engine. We never found out who did that but one morning he told me he was going to look into getting his car fixed, said good-bye and see you later Mom, he left to town and hitchhiked into town. *she paused* he never came back.”As my dad shares, he moved to Seattle and eventually down into the Bay Area, but did not actually meet my mom until they moved to L.A. in separate events. Fate had it that they were destined to meet, yes, I am a child of god, and in order for me to be conceived they had to meet.

My mom shared that she was 18, a high school graduate from Holbrook high, and immediately followed my Aunty (her oldest sister) to the Bay Area and found work through the Relocation program. In both instances, my parents left the Rez with no intentions of ever returning to the Rez. As it turned out, my mom didn’t believe she could leave the Rez and my dad was determined to. When they both found a way, they did, and vowed to never return. Today my dad has moved back, going on 7 years, and my mom, well, she’s working on finding a way back home after being away for 45 years.

Having been a childhood victims of sexual abuse, my parents have started their journey towards healing from a trauma no person should ever have to endure. As a mother, I can’t nor do I even want to imagine a predator who preys on children. Protective as a mama bear, I’d go ballistic and hurt someone if anything ever happened to my children. As I thought about what my mom and dad had endured, I felt sick with disgust. How could anyone let someone do this? Where is the justice? And why didn’t anyone protect the children? As I listened and processed, I found myself get emotional as well.

In the last two years, what I had tried to understand all my life about my parents began with their healing, which also includes my healing as well. Having more than compassion toward someone who was abused, regardless of the abuse, requires love as an absolute. Trust takes time, but so does a willingness on the part of the person. Granted, I am their child, my parents did not just show this one day, it’s taken years. I truly believe it has taken this long because they needed to know they could trust me to not judge them.

Over time this has helped resolve many of the unanswered questions I have had about both my parents. As it turns out, my parents journey, crossed over into mine and I felt inner peace knowing that the creator, in all divine intervention had the universe conspire. Both my parents, my mom the storm trooper of them all and my dad, this jovial burley man have both come full circle and in that process, have helped me see and understand my journey as well.

An awakening of forgiveness and heart talk opened my mind and released years of anguish and frustration. I have learned in order for me to have an understanding of forgiveness, I needed to learn about betrayal. In that process of forgiveness I also found love.

Through this journey we have all been on, love has outshone every pain and event. I’m blogging thoughts out loud about how some people leave the Rez with the intention of never going back, only to learn, they will go back, it will just be on creators time, not theirs.

In my quest for knowledge, I have found that we each journey differently. And in that process, we learn how to cope and deal with situations the best way we know how. As the realization and awareness of healing occurs, liberating thoughts and emotions occur. The process is unique and there is no real Rx prescription, just pure love.

As I close this out I want to share, forgiveness is a teacher as it is the gateway into freedom. My wish, to let the floodgates open and let the healing begin.

Yox kalo kaa Imeeqis qeciyewyew.

Hozho nahasglii,
Hozho nahasglii,
Hozho nahasglii,
Hozho nahasglii.

One thought on “The journey to healing begins with the first step

  1. Pingback: Words of Indigenous Warriors that Empower, Motivate, and Inspire | Red Running Into The Water

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